The unexpected Xmas story according to Ben Legg. (The Full version)

Every year I do a Christmas nativity story. This is usually dedicated to an individual who has shown me love, warmth, and friendship; someone who has helped me through the year and brought smiles and laughter to my life. This year I choose the Portfolio Collective. It may be slightly contrived as I haven’t yet had time to fully appreciate your personalities, but if it brings some festive spirit, then it will be worth the effort. So here goes:

A long time ago, in a place called ‘America’, there lived a man with a big smile. He was an excitable chap with bundles of energy, and for good reason. The angel of the lord came to see him out of the blue one night. He couldn’t remember if his name was Peter or Malcolm, anyhow, suffice to say he was shiny on top. The Angel told him that if he ‘swiped right’ the good lord would bring him a beautiful wife and after much nocturnal fun they shall have a child, and he shall be called Jesus.

Ben was very confused, and in some respects slightly annoyed by the interruption. After all, it was 4am and he had just started his daily trawl of the 5000 emails waiting in his inbox. Still, if the angel was telling the truth, then perhaps it would be worth the effort. He was becoming tired of the bachelor life, so he set his fingers walking.

It wasn’t long before the good lord had worked his magic and Ben found himself a new bride. Ben looked in the mirror and liked what he saw. Angel or no angel he wasn’t surprised by his lady-pulling prowess. Damn, he was so good looking. How lucky this lady was.

The next night, Malcom descended once again to Earth and instructed Ben that he must return to Blighty.

“America is not the place for you Ben. You must find the small town of South Ken. There you will find a mews and you shall have your new child in the garage.”

Ben was used to dealing with whackos and crazy scenarios, but ‘a baby named Jesus, in a garage in a small town called South Ken’?! He couldn’t work out if those Bosnian artillery shells had done more damage than he cared to realise. Still, I guess Malcolm was right about Risa, so perhaps he heed his words.

Ben wasted no time in Googling:

‘garage South Ken’.

To his surprise Google did respond, but not with the co-ordinates of his future prophecy. No, that would have been a regular search. Ben was savvy, he had the knowledge, ‘Adknowledge in fact’, and it would seem Google had already algorithmicised (I love that word btw) his other worldly powers. Yet again, Ben found he had control at his fingertips! Whoa, first the beautiful lady, now Google. All he had to do was ‘touch and go’.

By now Ben was starting to believe in the Angel and that, perhaps, he did have divine providence.

‘Why would Google want me?’ Ben mused. ‘All I did was search for a garage’.

Still, Ben reconciled his thoughts, turned to the mirror, smiled and thought to himself:

‘Damn I’m cool. This is awesome.’

Buoyed with his new Midas status he headed straight for the Virgin Atlantic business class lounge, and after coiffing a couple of glasses of champa’s, he and Risa set on their biblical journey. Somehow or other, Ben was sure this was his calling to change the world.

He may have felt invincible, but how was he going to explain to Risa that their new baby would have to be born in a garage. Still….

But Ben was good at explaining things, if his fingers provided the Midas touch, then his tongue would inspire many from far and wide to delight in his pearls of wisdom. But convincing Risa was not a challenge he warmly embraced, especially after seeing her reaction that he was now downgrading her from first class travel to tuctuc. Surely it was every girl’s dream to go on a tour of the UK in a tuctuc- wasn’t it?!

Strangely, Risa wasn’t convinced by Ben’s Spanish greeting, ‘Ola’ to the UK public. Sure, he managed to pull the crowds, but Leeds and Liverpool still seemed like a long way from South Ken.

As they drove late into the night, Ben could see a bright rising star.

‘Keep your eyes on the road Ben!’ said Risa as the tuctuc swerved to avoid an old lady.

Once more, Ben had been caught looking at himself in the mirror. He was indeed a rising star, and whilst Risa may have been uncomfortable on the back seat, he couldn’t help but remind her just how lucky she way.

And luck was about to romance the star, for he had also caught the attention of three wise men. Well, actually, one wise man, one wise woman, and one wise android.

‘Greetings traveller, we have brought you a gift.’

With that the wise man and lady pushed the Android forward.

Ben looked confused and Risa was weary from her long journey.

‘We have brought you Jesus,’ they proclaimed with glee.

Ben was still bewildered.

‘But Malcolm the Angel told me that the good lord would bring me baby Jesus, not a fully grown android, man-thing.’

By this point, Risa with child, was seriously tired. She looked upon the garage and was not impressed.

Suddenly a man appeared, you could say he looked like an innkeeper.

‘Fear not young lady for I shall convert the garage to a more comfortable space, in the meantime you can take refuge in the Mews,’ said Duncan. He was clearly a good man with a kind heart.

Ben ushered Risa to the safety of the South Ken mews and swiftly returned to deal with the small cohort. But in his absence the cohort had grown.

‘Who are you? Why are you here?’

Fiona, the wise lady, who had seemingly travelled from the land of Haggis and kilts, interrupted Ben before the ever-growing cohort could answer.

‘Why? Why? I love it! That’s genius. Yes come on guys, now tell me, what’s your why?’

The wise Fiona had clearly had too much whisky on her journey and Ben was now concerned these were just a bunch of late-night revellers recently evicted from the local pub…

‘We are the four kings. We saw the beacon and we followed the light’

Ben’s head was now truly in a spin. Stood before him were not 4 Kings, but four ladies. He had heard of drag queens, but drag kings? Surely not.

‘So, ladies, I mean Kings, what’s your why?’ asked a bemused Ben.

Fiona applauded. How she loved the ‘why?’

One of the kings pulled herself forward from the small cohort, brandishing a small can of coke. The other king raised her eyebrows in distain as she happened to notice the sugar content.

‘So, you’ve come to give me a can of coke as a welcoming present have you?’

Ben was thirsty after his epic voyage. Tempting as it was, his acute nostrils sensed more than a hint of gin in the innocent offering. He declined the offering.

‘I’m Lexi, I’m a wordsmith and I’m also good with gin’

Ben gave her a knowing look.

‘And I’m Laura. This is Claire and Jane. We come bearing gifts in honour of this new wonderful creation.’

Ben looked at the small cohort. ‘This is strange’

Suddenly a lady appeared. ‘Hi, I’m Alex’

Ben head his hands to his head is disbelief. ‘I can’t take this, I need a holiday,’ he mumbled.

Suddenly another lady appeared. She had a big smile and frizzy hair. ‘Hi, I’m Katie. Holidays are out this year due to COVID-19. You could try booking for next year.’

Then the wise man Mike stepped forward. His surname was as complicated as the offering he was about to bestow.

‘Look ben. Do not ask ‘why?’, ask ‘how? We are the ‘doers’. We make things happen. There is a prophecy, and we are here to help. Don’t you think it’s strange?’

Suddenly Alex appeared again.

‘Ok, let’s try weird instead. You say something and people appear. Look, try for yourself.’

Ben felt like he was being pranked, but still, Malcolm the angel had guided him this far so why not. He braced himself and thought of the most abstract words he could think about. He was starving so the first words to come out were: ‘deliveroo and pot noodle’

Suddenly a man and a woman appeared.

‘Hi, I’m Paul and this is Jenny’

Whoa! This was now completely freaking Ben out. Then he had an epiphany….

‘The unexpected Xmas story according to Ben Leg’ Final chapter

‘So, you’re telling me that all I have to say is random words and people will appear?!’

‘Exactly!’

‘Whoa, that’s insane. Granted it is cool but look at the small cohort that’s already amassed. I’m not sure this humble garage could cope.’

Fiona pushed the android man thing forward.

‘Ah ha! We are wise beyond wisdom and we have already thought this through. This is the greatest gift that we can give you. He is called Jésus. He shall be shrouded in cups of coffee and locked in a cupboard for two months.’

‘How barbaric,’ thought Ben. He had watched Braveheart and he knew the Scots were hard as nails, but this girl?! Wow! She may have been wise, but this did not seem like an HR compliant policy.

Fiona could read the concern on Ben’s face.

‘Don’t worry Ben. It’s only for a short while. After that, we’ll release him to convalesce on a Spanish island.’

Ben paused to reflect on the ethics of Fiona’s words.

‘Ok guys. Look, this is all very wonderful, but Malcolm the angel told me I was going to have a baby and he shall be called Jesus. This is a grown man, not a baby.’

Laura stepped forward and put her arm around Ben.

‘Look Ben, I’m not going to sugar-coat this, you are clearly quite disillusioned. Malcom isn’t your angel investor, and you are not going to have a baby called Jesus. The man stood before you is ‘Jésus’, not Jesus. He is not your baby, but he does have the power to create one for you. Now I suggest we all move into a breakout room and brainstorm some ideas.’

Claire divided them into groups and they each convened in separate corners of the garage.

‘Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone?’

Laura’s words fell to a tumbleweed silence. Nobody wanted to make the first move.

‘Ok, well, why don’t you lead Ben? Tell us about yourself. You’re a carpenter, right?’

‘Well, no, not really, I’m an engineer. And, believe it or not I’m a soldier, and a C.E.O, and a C.O.O., and a mentor, and an investor..’

The list went on and on.

Suddenly Claire called: ‘last thirty seconds!’

Before Ben could finish his prologue, he was cut short and asked to return to the middle of the garage. Then he had an epiphany. The whole ‘looking at himself in the mirror’ thing, was not just because he was damn cool and dashingly handsome. It was more than simple vanity. Before him stood talent, and lots of it. If he could get the cohort to be like him, the world would be a much richer place. If he could get them to look at themselves in the mirror and truly find themselves, then perhaps he had a game changer. Above all else, Ben liked helping others. He had a kind soul; it wasn’t all about the money. If he could help others find their ‘why’ then perhaps this could be his calling.

This wasn’t perhaps the biblical reincarnation he had anticipated, but it was going to be the best Christmas ever. He had now found his calling. He was surrounded by inspiring minds and had found a new ‘gerup’ (group) of friends who will help him create his new baby, nurture it and watch it grow.

This is the nativity according to TPC. The unexpected Xmas story according to Ben Leg is just the opening chapter to a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

P.S. You will be pleased to know that, in the making of this nativity, Duncan has now expanded his portfolio career to cater to the seasonal market. He is now offering: ‘manger conversion projects for the festive traveller’

That’s me done for now. I hope you enjoyed my small festive contribution, just a bit of fun to lighten up the seriousness of life. Equally I hope that TPC has bestowed upon you many gifts of wisdom and that you will use them favourably. My thanks also to cohort 2. You’re a great bunch and I wish you all the success with your newly inspired portfolio careers. Happy Xmas to one and all. X